Bringing Back RODNEY DANGERFIELD COMEDY Classic One-Liners

Some classics from

Rodney to bring smile to

your face:-)

Why we miss Rodney


Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last
night she used me to
time an egg.

It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog
 on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was
 wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

Greatest Bits

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life  all.


I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
 I said,
'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate
myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a
two-bagger. That's when you
put a bag over your head in case the bag over
 her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to
cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss
 in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got
arrested for mooning.

Caddyshack Poster 24x36 Chevy Chase Rodney 
Dangerfield Ted (Edward) Knight

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.

I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy.

When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom

guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray “after” the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from

Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE: My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy,

I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.


Bringing Back RODNEY DANGERFIELD COMEDY   Classic One-Liners